I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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