True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
