guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
