chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
