Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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