remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize