i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
