someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
