i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize