Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
