She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize