Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
