I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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