someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
