I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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