i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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