If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
