you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I booty called her while she was in labor.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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