I look better un-naked...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
