Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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