i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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