is your mom at the bar?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
