He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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