My sheets look like a crime scene.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
