Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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