he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
