I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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