I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
