What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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