Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
