Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize