Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
