My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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