The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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