And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
