did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Terrible idea I love it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
