know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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