I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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