he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
