So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
