I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
