Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
