I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
