found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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