Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
