So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My ass is underappreciated
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
