Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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