This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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