my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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