standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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