he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
