If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
