No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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