I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize