This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
