So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
