I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
