Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
