omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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